The Ouran Random Rambling Host Club
by AnimeYaoiFangirl100
Summary: A roleplay that I did with my friend Ana! When Kyoya says something random it leads into something crazy! A one-shot that is rated T for the mentions of alcohol, sexual intercourse and language!


The Ouran Random Rambling Host Club

**This is a chat that both xXAna-Christ-342Xx and I did together. We didn't intend it to be a story, but it is too funny not to be a story.**

**I decided to modify it a little so that it would fit a story format. It will still be as funny though.**

**The characters and quotes in this story belong to their respective owners. Ana and I own a few of the quotes but not that many of them.**

**There will be a few people that aren't in the host club that are in here and here they are;  
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**Gwen= Akatsukifan14, aka me.**

**Ana= xXAna-Christ-342Xx**

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><p>It was a perfectly normal day at the Host Club. It was at the end of the day so all the girls were gone for the day and all the members of the club decided to just sit and talk together. Renge even stayed and for some reason Fuyumi was there. If you ask me, Renge invited her. They were all sitting in chairs or on the couches that were placed in a circle. Hikaru was sitting by Kaoru while Haruhi was sitting beside him. Renge and Fuyumi were sitting together on a couch, while Honey and Mori were sitting on another couch. Tamaki and Kyouya were the only two that were sitting in the chairs.<p>

Everybody was laughing and having a good time. Even Mori, who was as silent as ever and wasn't talking, looked like he was having a good time. They were just talking about how their day went and how much strange things kept happening to them as random. The conversation was going well when, out of the blue, Kyoya said something that nobody was expecting.

"Fuyumi, I called your husband gay and he hit me with his purse." Everybody just stared at the shadow king with a question in their eyes while Fuyumi just looked irritated. After a while of an awkward silence Renge giggled and said.

"Boys are like slinky's, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs." After she said this she giggled more, and Fuyumi joined her with this. Kyoya just stared at his sister. He had never known her to giggle before. While the two girls were giggling every male host tried to get as far away from the stairs, that magically appeared, as they could. None of them got very far since they were all sitting down. Then Tamaki decided to bother Haruhi, who really didn't care what he was going to say.

"Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies." Was what the king told his so called 'daughter', who really couldn't understand why he told her this so she just sweat-dropped. She decided that she would say something too.

"I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love." She said and she received nods of approval by the other two girls in the room.

"But, Haruhi, don't you love your father!" Tamaki gasped.

"Your not my father." Haruhi stated. This sent the king into his emo corner to grow mushrooms. Honey was feeling left out so he spoke up.

"People who say "Anythings possible" haven't tried slamming a revolving door." Kyoya glanced at a random revolving hotel door and said.

"...Nah."

"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down, stay put, and shut up." Kaoru said.

"Well my dad got the second half right." Kyoya said when Fuyumi gave him a look.

"Kyo-kun always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." She said.

"You're SO good with cheering people up Fuyumi..." Kyoya said sarcastically.

"Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls...and polls...people...and off the occasional cliff."

"So what your really saying is that I should stop following you." Kaoru said and that made Hikaru go into the emo corner that Tamaki just left.

"God made coke.

God made pepsi.

God made me.

Oh so sexy.

God made rivers.

God made lakes.

God made you.

Well.. we all make mistakes.." Renge said. She didn't mean it, but she was staring at Haruhi as she said it and said person looked irritated by the rhyme.

"They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people." Kaoru said.

"BANG." Honey says and looks around. "Nothing happened."

"Honey, did you listen to what I said?" Kaoru says with a sweat-drop.

"What did you say?" Honey asked innocently and everybody in the room sweat-drops.

"It's always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I've found it." Tamaki said and Hikaru came out of his emo corner to join his twin.

"Because your you mi' lord." The twins said.

"No offense Kyoya but..." Hikaru started

"If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation." Kaoru finished.

"Oh shut up." Kyoya said in an irritated way.

"Kyoya, go to hell." Hikaru said.

"No, I won't go to Hell! It has a restraining order against me."

"Friends are God's way of apologizing for family." Tamaki proclaims.

"Than obviously God wasn't trying to apologize to me." Haruhi stated.

"The statistics of insanity is 1 of every 4 people have a mental illness. Look at your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you." Kyouya said. Tamaki looks at the twins, then at Kyouya, patting his shoulder.

"I am sorry for your illness." He said.

"It takes 42 muscles to smile, 28 to frown, and only 4 to reach out and slap you, Tamaki." The cross dresser said.

"THANK you." Kyouya said.

"My friends say 'look a birdy' behind me in the lunch room then my goldfish are gone!" Honey says while Hikaru looks around shiftily.

"I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either." Hikaru said to Tamaki. Said king just frowns and goes into emo corner.

"Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that." Kyoya stated.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?" Haruhi yells.

"I am not afraid of Death. What's it gonna do? Kill me?" Was all that the shadow king said. It made Hikaru shrink down and just stare at him with a scared look in his eyes.

"One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions." Renge said and Kyoya nods at her.

"Sounds very much like Tamaki." He said. The man previously mentioned bounced back out of his emo corner and spoke.

"Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"Is that why I never win when I argue with you?" Kyoya comments.

"One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject." Tamaki stated.

"I would rather not even think about this situation. It's awkward." Kyoya says dryly.

"All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies." Haruhi sighs regretfully.

"What about me?" Tamaki asks.

"I said they're GAY!" She repeated.

"What does it mean when Tamaki's in my bed gasping for breath and screaming my name?" Kyoya asks.

"..." Everyone just falls into an awkward silence.

"I didn't hold the pillow down long enough." Kyoya said and everybody let out a deep breath.

"They say that the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?" Honey said.

"I think you should stop telling the truth..." Haruhi said.

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target." Hikaru says.

"So who wants some target practice?" Kaoru asks. At this everybody just backs away slowly and get big eyes.

"I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun." Honey proudly says.

"Honey, I don't think gangsters carry squirt guns..." Haruhi says.

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three!" Tamaki declares with a smile.

"I think that your math is off..." Kaoru says.

"I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers." Kyoya sighed.

"WE KNEW IT!" The twins yelled.

"He who laughs last didn't get it." Haruhi says and everybody starts laughing.

"Ohh!" Tamaki says after a few minutes and he starts laughing too.

"See?" Haruhi said as she started laughing.

"You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me." Tamaki says to the twins.

"That explains a lot." Kyoya said as he looked at the so called king.

"Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history." Renge said with a smile. The twins looked at each other.

"I don't like the sound of that..." They both said in unison.

"Tamaki, people like you are the reason why we have middle fingers..." Kyoya said, looking at the blonde man.

"Whaaaaaaa...?" Tamaki says.

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver." Kyoya says as he looks at Tamaki. Tamaki starts crying as Kyoya tapes his mouth shut. Kyoya sighs and begins.

"Tamaki... You're a great friend, but if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you." At this Tamaki starts pouting and Kyoya adds. "But if vampires are chasing us, trip me, I'll be fine."

"Good friends don't let you do stupid things...alone." Tamaki says after he gets over his pouting spell.

"Is that why I always get stuck doing stupid things with you?" The shadow king says.

"Mitsukini, you're letting life pass by." Mori says to his cousin.

"Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over." Honey declared.

"Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence." Haruhi said. Hikaru looked at her.

"So your saying that Kyoya is always wrong then?"

"No!" Haruhi objects.

"But he always uses logic so you just said that he was always wrong." Kaoru said as he looked at the cross dresser that was sitting beside him.

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it." Tamaki says.

"Knowing you, you'd find a way to make grape juice with lemons..." Haruhi sighs.

"Are you calling me talented?" The king asks with a smile.

"Not in the very least." She says with an irritated looking sweat-drop on her forehead.

"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness." Hikaru says.

"I remember that. It was really stupid though." Kaoru said.

"I know..." Hikaru muttered.

"Why would you steal a bike when you could just buy one?" Haruhi asks and Hikaru just shrugs. She turns to Tamaki.

"Senpai, stop drooling over that picture of Roy Mustang..." She said and he points a finger at her.

"YOU'RE JUST JELOUS CUZ I HAVE MORE FICTIONAL BOYFRIENDS THAN YOU!" He yells.

"Idiot..." She mutters.

"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity." Tamaki declares when he suddenly feels smart.

"Which you have clearly lost already." Hikaru comments. Then he and Kaoru start to bug Kyoya when Tamaki pulls them back quickly.

"Stop!" The king says.

"Why...?" Hikaru asks. Tamaki has wide eyes as he speaks.

"Never annoy a writer... He might put you in a book and kill you!" Hikaru and Kaoru share a glance.

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer." Hikaru says.

"Who do you wanna bet Tamaki said yes to?" Kaoru asks.

"I bet money on Kyoya. After all why else would Tamaki call them by 'mother' and 'father.'" Hikaru answers.

"I'm going to make you the happiest woman alive." Kyoya says to Renge.

"...I'll miss you." She replies.

"...Wow..." Kyoya looks slightly downcast.

"Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN." Renge said.

"Your talking about me again, aren't you?" Kyoya asks with a frown.

"Partly." Renge admits. "But the beating to death and patience is for Tamaki."

"Honey-senpai, why do you act like such a child?" Kyoya asks.

"Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional." The cute little blonde answered Then he looks around and says.

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." Everybody just stares at him in shock. Even Mori looked a little taken aback by his cousins comment.

"If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em." Haruhi began.

"If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em." Kyoya said the next line. Then it went back to Haruhi.

"If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em."

"If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em." They must know each others lines really well.

"If ya can't kill 'em..." Haruhi says.

"We're screwed..." Kyoya finished.

"God must love stupid people. He made SO many." Kyoya sighed while Tamaki sneezed. _Somebody is talking about me._ The blonde thinks.

"Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking creatures?" Kaoru says thoughtfully.

"Hm... Hey Kyoya, maybe you and your family should take up politics!" Hikaru said with a smirk.

"...We're so totally stealing your souls." Said shadow king spoke as he stared at the twins with an expressionless face.

"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip." Kaoru said.

"Sounds like somebody we know." Hikaru says and he makes a face to make it seem like he was thinking.

"I just realized something." Kyoya said.

"What?" Haruhi asks.

"There's no such thing as gravity... The Earth just sucks." He said with a sigh.

"That's what she said! The Earth sucks just like some people in this room!" Hikaru says as he bursts into laughter. Kaoru joins him in laughter and they both ignore the glare that they were getting from across the room.

"We have enough GUN control. We need IDIOT control!" Haruhi declares.

"But then the world would be empty..." Kyoya says.

"Whoever coined the phrase 'Quiet as a mouse' has never stepped on one." Tamaki says.

"Why would you step on a mouse?" Honey asks, starting to get teary eyed.

"Not on purpose of course!" Tamaki says quickly. Then he proclaims. "I have knowledge!"

"Tamaki... Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." Haruhi stated.

"So that's why nobody ate my fruit salad...?" He says sadly.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hols the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. Of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful me in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?" Kyoya said to Haruhi.

"I think that you have a valid point." She said.

"I hate the shinbone." Kyoya says in an irritated manor.

"Why...?" Kaoru asks, confused.

"The shunbone is just a device for finding furniture in a dark room!" He answered.

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Tamaki states.

"Do I even want to know how you know this!" Haruhi almost yells.

" After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!" Haruhi exclaims while the twins think about it.

"...Oh!" They say and burst out into laughter.

"Don't piss me off, I am running out of places to hide the bodies!" Kyoya says and everybody gulps.

"Okay, I'm off to see the in-laws." Fuyumi says.

"Wanna know the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted." Kyoya stated and that made his sister pout.

"Stress: The condition brought on by overriding the body's desire to kick someone's ass." Haruhi stated.

"How do you know this?" Tamaki asks.

"Whenever I am near you I am stressed." She said. It made the king pout.

" A good friend will bail you out of jail, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying "damn that was fun"." Tamaki said happily.

"Well clearly I'm not a true friend." Kyoya sighed.

"Whenever you feel pissed off at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away from them...And you have their shoes!" Tamaki exclaims.

"Only you, Tamaki, only you." Kyoya says with a shake of his head.

"Look! Haruhi and I made cookies for the club!" Renge said happily while Kyoya steps away from her. Renge looks slightly hurt. "What! You don't trust me?"

" I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die." Kyoya said.

"GROOOSSS!" Hikaru comments.

"Sarcasm is your body's natural defense against stupidity." Kaoru said.

"That must be why I use it on a daily basis." Haruhi comments.

"Tamaki, there are many people in the world. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others WHENEVER they go. Guess what YOU fall under?" Kyoya said which made Tamaki start to pout and get teary eyes.

"Once you go fangirl you can never go back." Renge sighs dramatically.

"Your a prime example." Kyoya says dully.

"Hey Kyoya, want a Hurtsdonit?" Hikaru asks.

"Never hit a man with glasses." Kyoya says with a glare.

"You're right... Hit him with a baseball bat." Hikaru says while grinning evilly. This makes Kyoya shrink down and sweat-drop.

"Fanfiction." Gwen sighs dramatically. "My Anti-Drug; Because, who has time for drugs if you're reading and plotting and writing and checking reviews?"

"WHO ARE YOU?" Hikaru and Kaoru yell. Gwen just waves her hand dismissively.

"What does it matter? All I know is that I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by."

"I am sorry, but if you won't tell us who you are you are going to have to leave." Kyoya says and Gwen just rolls her eyes in return.

"I won't do anything of the kind. I can't leave this story unattended." She replies.

"Please leave." Kyoya asks in a respectful way.

"You say that again and I will hit you with a plastic bed!" Gwen says as she shoots a glare at him making everybody in the room sweat-drop.

"DAMMIT!" Ana yelled.

"WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE COMING FROM?" Kaoru screams.

"What's wrong with you?" Hikaru asks as he points at Ana.

"Kyoya's computer beat me at chess... But it didn't beat me at kick-boxing." She says with a wink.

"...Oh you do did not..." The shadow king said.

"Tee-hee." Ana laughes.

"Nice one Ana. Also I have an important announcement!" Gwen yells to get everyones attention.

"This isn't going to be good, is it?" Kaoru asks and Gwen points at a wall.

"That, my children, is called a wall. But beware, the wall is solid. Yes be afraid! Be very afraid, for we cannot walk through it! Believe me children, for I have attempted this many times before." She declares. Everybody just sweat-drops.

"Great! Just what we need, another Tamaki!" Kyoya complains. Gwen gets this insulted face and points at the blonde king.

"Do NOT even compare me with that unicorn!" She screechs.

"Unicorn..." Ana laughs while eating a candy bar.

"Why don't you eat vegetables?" Kyoya suggests and Ana turns a glare to him.

"I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BECOME A VEGETARIAN!" She yells.

"These people are SO weird." The twins say together. Gwen glances at them and smiles innocently.

"People used to call me names, but that's ok, they're dead now." She says. The twins get a scared look on their faces and Kaoru tries to hide behind his brother.

"Tamaki, I have some advice for you." Ana says and Tamaki raises an eyebrow. "It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." She tells him while Kyoya and Haruhi snicker.

"Get out of my club." Tamaki says and glares evilly.

"Tamaki, she can't leave so shut your mouth and listen to my wonderful advice." Gwen says. Tamaki turns to look at her.

"Which is...?" He prompts.

"It is better to be an amateur than a professional." She tells him.

"What makes you say that?" Kyoya asks and Gwen rolls her eyes.

"It's pretty obvious what makes me say that. Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic..."

"Hey Haruhi, Kyoya told me that money talks." Ana says as she goes up to the cross dresser.

"Well all I hear mine say is "Good-bye." She replies.

"I met some crazy people. They made me their leader!" Gwen announces.

"Who are these people?" Kyoya asks.

"Look in a mirror." Gwen told him.

"We did not make you our leader." Tamaki yells.

"Ana and I beg to differ." Gwen retorts.

"Hey Haruhi, Renge! Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich." Ana says to the girls previously mentioned, who start laughing.

"That last comment was not needed." Hikaru said with a frown.

"It was very needed." Gwen replies and goes up to the other girls in the room. "Hey Haruhi, Renge, Ana. If guys had periods they would probably brag about the size of their tampons." I tell them and Renge and Haruhi laugh even harder.

"Stop picking on us!" Kaoru whines with tears in his eyes.

"I kinda think this one's true. Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake a whole relationship." Ana says. Haruhi and Renge stop laughing and glare at the boys.

"Sorry you just make it so easy." Gwen tells him after she has composed herself.

"Curiosity killed the cat, and satisfaction brought it back." Tamaki said. Gwen frowns at the comment.

"No! Curiosity did not kill the cat! Stupidity did and curiosity was framed! Don't lie anymore!" Gwen throws a stuffed unicorn pillow pet at him.

"Kyoya, I hear that you say sex is a pain in the ass... I think you're doing it wrong." Ana says as she walks up to the shadow king. The others in the room start laughing and Kyoya blushes.

"God dammit! Ana my computer won't work thanks to you!" Kyoya yells.

"It's not her fault that your computer is gay and NO PROFANITY!" Gwen says with a frown.

"Kyoya, I'm taking some of your notes for some work." Ana says.

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism." He tells her.

"Ahh, but to steal from many is research." She snickers.

"God dammit! Why didn't this work!" Gwen yells in frustration.

"If you tried it again you could have gotten it to work." Kaoru comments.

"So why did you destroy it?" Hikaru asks. She looks at them like they are crazy.

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. It's simple science." She tells them.

"What's going on?" Renge asks, wearing a shirt that says 'Guess'. Kyoya looks at her chest, where the words were, and said.

"...Implants?" Renge just glared at him.

"My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone." Gwen says.

"Then were did this idea come from?" Kyoya asks.

"Actually I don't know. Maybe Ana does." She said as she tried to think about where the idea came from. Ana starts thinking and starts to mumble.

"What are you doing..." Tamaki asks.

"When in doubt, mumble.." Ana said quietly.

"Anyone want to guess what the difference between northern and southern fairytales are?" Gwen asks.

"What's the difference? I thought that they were all the same." Honey said.

"A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." She replied.

"..." Nobody knows what to say to that one.

"I need to change the way I take life..." Kyoya sighs.

"How do you take it?" Hikaru asks.

"I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila." The shadow king answers. At this information everybody in the room gets wide eyes.

"George Washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" Then why does the U.S have a black president now?" Tamaki says.

"Swine flu." Gwen offers. Kyoya is writing something and Ana looks at him and asks.

"What are you writing?"

"A letter for my brother." He answers.

"What's it say?" Ana says.

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here." Was the reply.

"Life's a bitch." Gwen whines.

"What makes you say that?" Kaoru asks.

"Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it's be easy." Gwen point's out. Kyoya starts rebooting his computer.

"I swear to Go... If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does." He said with a frown.

"How do you feel now, knowing that someone is benefitting from your misery?" Ana says while laughing.

"...I feel like Tamaki." He said.

"George Washington- Wait why does this feel like Deja Vu?" Tamaki said.

"Obviously God thought it was funny." Gwen says.

"He wanted to play it again for his friends." Ana says in between laughs.

"God has a sense of humor. He made the platypus." Kyoya said.

"Yeah but, the problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time." Ana said. Gwen is just glaring at the floor and Haruhi looks at her strangely.

"I think you have an attitude problem." She says and Gwen turns her glare on her.

" I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem." Gwen stated.

"Panties are the best thing on Earth." Hikaru says with a grin.

"No they're not. They're next to it." Ana says.

"Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children." Gwen states.

"What makes you say that?" Tamaki asks.

"Your here." She replies.

"There are three kinds of people." Ana begins. "The people who learn by reading." She points at Haruhi and Kyoya. "The ones who learn by observation." Points at the twins. "And the rest of them who have t touch the fire to learn it's hot." She finally points to Tamaki.

"Gwen." Kaoru whines as he and Hikaru go over to the brunette. "Hikaru was being mean to me." Gwen just gave him a flat look.

"If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis." She says and Kaoru starts pouting and moves closer to his brother.

"Well, at least everything seems to be going well." Kyoya said.

"If everything seems to be going well...you have OBVIOUSLY overlooked something..." Ana said.

"Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in the soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust." Gwen said.

"Remind me to never go to your house, ever." Hikaru said with a disgusted look on his face.

"They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck." Kyoya said simply. Tamaki got this weird look on his face that made him seem that he was dieing.

"A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." Haruhi said.

"Oh! Kyoya is a celebrity then!" Honey said excitedly.

"My, have you seen how much we've changed throughout time?" Tamaki exclaims.

"Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution." Kyoya comments.

"Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head." Kaoru says.

"That's the truth." Kyoya agrees. "You know, they have a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'Screw it-just grab a pile of crap. We'll get a bag at the airport'." He wonders.

"Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?" Kaoru says.

"Girls are like roads, ore the curves, more the dangerous they are." Hikaru tells everyone.

"You see why I stay indoors now?" Kyoya comments.

"Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters." Hikaru says.

"Thank God we're in Japan." Kyoya mutters.

"My dad learned his children were growing up when we stopped asking him where we came from and refuse to tell him where we're going." Kyoya says after a while and then he asks. "How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?"

"..." Nobody knows the answer.

"Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!"

"How do you know this?" Haruhi asks. Kyoya refuses to answer the question.

"My virginity is like a soap-bubble, one prick and it is gone." Renge says.

"...Maybe we should see other people." Kyoya comments and adds. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept that promise." Renge just backs away very slowly. Tamaki hugs Kyoya.

"What are you doing...?" The shadow king asks.

"Cuddling..." Was the answer and Tamaki smiled a blissful smile.

"There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away." Kyoya said.

"Nobody's a virgin...life screws us all." Hikaru said.

"Why do you say that?" Kyoya asks.

"Kaoru was just raped by Life the other night." He sighed. Kyoya is standing very far away from Renge.

"What's wrong Kyo-chan?" Honey asks.

"Renge's aiming to hit me." He answers.

"But women don't hit that hard!" Kaoru says.

"Women may not hit harder but they hit lower." He replies.

"You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." Tamaki said.

"I think that I will choose the first one." Kyoya mutters.

"Rich bastards..." Haruhi mutters.

"Money can't buy happiness, but it makes misery easier to live with." Kyoya responds.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so." Tamaki says, making Renge frown. Honey is now thinking, or making a thinking face.

"What is it, Honey-senpai?" Kaoru asks.

"Well, I've been thinking... If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?" Honey asks and Kaoru starts snickering.

"I ran into my ex the other day, hit the reverse, and ran into him again." Renge said.

"Hopefully that doesn't happen to me..." Kyoya gulps.

"I hate overly religious people..." Kyoya said.

"WHY?" Ana gasps.

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." The shadow king replies.

"HOW DID YOU GET BACK IN HERE?" Kaoru yells and points at Ana. Then Gwen magically appears behind him and rolls her eyes.

"Your too dense."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Kaoru demands.

"Earth is the insane asylum for the universe." She says.

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." Kyoya states.

"And that's why you don't cook." Ana points out.

"Kyoya!" Gwen whines. "The twins keep pestering me!" She gives him pouty eyes.

"I don't care, I don't have to." He replies and Gwen starts to pout more and give him a glare.

"Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?" Renge asks.

"Because those men already have boyfriends." Kyoya answers.

"Well, that explains why I don't have you." She commented.

"Burn." Hikaru says with a smirk.

"Life is like a pack of gum!" Honey claims as he bounces around happily.

"How so?" Kaoru asks.

"...I've yet to figure out why." Honey answers.

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women." Kyoya says.

"I wonder why?" Haruhi comments.

"They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Renge says and Kyoya smirks.

"You can't spell 'funeral' without 'fun', nor 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'." Kyoya tells everyone who was willing to listen.

"What do you do in your free time?" Haruhi asks.

"Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die." The shadow king states.

"Did you forget to take your anti-depressants again?" Hikaru asks. Tamaki goes over to Kyoya slowly.

"Kyoya, can you give me some advice?" He asks. Kyoya glances up at him.

"I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" He replies.

"No offense Kyoya but... Do you suffer from insanity?" Haruhi asks.

"I don't suffer from insanity." He replies. "I enjoy every minute of it." After a few minutes he says.

"Depending on the time of day the French go either way."

"I'm straight!" Tamaki protests.

"You were not yesterday." Kyoya replies and everybody gasps. "If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why does my dad have more than one child?"

"Clearly he thought the next time would be better... I think he stopped at you cuz he was more than disappointed." Haruhi commented while Kyoya had nothing to say to that.

"Everybody is entitled to their own opinion." The shadow king said instead.

"Then why do you guys seem to ignore me most of the time?" Haruhi asks.

"It's because yours is stupid." He answers.

"The buss is a device from hell." Haruhi states.

"How so?" Tamaki asks.

"A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it." She told him.

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together." Kaoru says.

"Where did you come up with that?" Hikaru asked his brother, who shrugs in return.

"I was getting sick of Kyoya saying random stuff so I thought of something and said it."

"...The sad thing is that it is probably true." Hikaru sighs.

"Kyoya, you're such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." Tamaki ays as he leans over said person.

"Gee thanks..." Kyoya says as a sweat-drop appears on his head.

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" Tamaki said.

"Yes and it was hell!" Hikaru stated.

"Indeed it was." Kaoru agreed.

"We once asked our father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Kaoru said.

"Our father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." Hikaru added.

"Sorry Honey, Mori but..." Kaoru began.

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." Hikaru said and Honey pouts while Mori sighs.

"What possessed you to say that?" He asked.

"Haven't you seen any Bruce Lee movies? They suck!" Kaoru replies.

"I'm probably going to be punched for this one... Honey, what's the elevator smell like?" Ana asks.

"What?" Honey asks.

"Well, I hear that crowded elevators smell different to midgets." She says.

"WOAH! Where the hell did THAT ONE come from?" Kaoru gasps.

"You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?" Tamaki says.

"Let's ask Kyoya!" Hikaru suggests.

"...why me?" Kyoya mutters.

"Speaking of the speed of light, Light travels faster than sound. This is why Tamaki appeared bright until I heard him speak." Haruhi said.

"Oh that's just rude..." Tamaki said sadly.

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." Gwen said.

"Who are you and how did you get in here?" Kaoru demands. Gwen looks like she's thinking.

"I am an authoress and I'm an authoress. That answers both of your questions." She tells him.

"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police." Haruhi says.

"Then remind me to step up my police force..." Kyoya comments.

"Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery." Kaoru says.

"That's not good!" Honey pouts. "I liked that bunny!"

"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list." Renge says as she hugs Kyoya while said shadow king gulps.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" Tamaki wonders.

"What goes on in your mind?" Kyoya asks the blonde. "God, tattoos are taking over!" He exclaims.

"Why are you complaining?" Ana asks.

"Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?" He replies.

"A word to the wise isn't necessary." Kaoru says.

"Why is that?" Haruhi asks.

"It's the stupid ones that need the advice." The red head replies.

"Kyoya, did time fly when we were having sex or was it really just one minute?" Renge asks while Kyoya gives a downcast/ashamed look, thing, and the twins just broke out in laughter.

"What are the four major guilt groups?" Kyoya asks.

"There are guilt groups?" Haruhi questions.

"Yes."

"What are they Kyo-chan?" Honey asks.

"Food, love, career, and mothers." Kyoya replies.

"Kyoya, are you going with Tamaki to that commoners market again?" Haruhi asks.

"When pigs fly..." Replies the shadow king.

"Well, with a sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine." Tamaki comments.

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink." Honey declares while everyone else exchanges glances.

"Kyo-chan, why do they call it PMS?" Honey asks.

"They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken..." Kyoya replies, ignoring the glares that Renge and Haruhi were sending him.

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." Haruhi states.

"Your paranoid." Hikaru comments as he gazes at the cross-dresser.

"Tamaki, you need to be wiser..." Haruhi sighs.

"That's a little hard for him." Hikaru says with a smirk.

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then DON'T say it." Haruhi says.

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." Kyoya says.

"That means you, Tono." The twins comment.

"If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in." Kyoya said with a smirk.

"Is that why you never answer the door?" Renge asks and Kyoya, being the smart man he is, keeps silent.

"What is a million years to you?" Gwen asks.

"One second." Kyoya answers.

"What is a billion dollars to you?" She asks.

"A coin." He replies.

"OK give me a coin." She says.

"Wait a second..." He glares at her.

"It's O.K. To laugh during sex... just don't point!" Renge says.

"That's mean..." Kyoya mutters.

"When you feel lonely, cheer up! Just go to the mirror and say "Shit! I'm really so cute!" You'll overcome your sadness." Gwen says.

"We don't need a mirror to do that." The twins comment.

"Liars go to HELL!" She yells at them.

"Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's free for the weekend..." Kyoya sighs. Renge glares at him.

"You jerk." She states.

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure." The shadow king says.

"No wonder you have gotten far in the world." Renge retorts.

"Hey Renge, are you into casual sex, or does Kyoya have to dress up?" Hikaru asks.

"Stop picking on me and Renge's old sex life!" Kyoya demands.

"Tamaki, are you gay or euorpean?" Hikaru asks.

"He is both." Kyoya states while Kaoru's eyes grow wide.

"How do you know?" He demands.

"Girls, I have some news for when your married. The only one of your children who does NOT grow up and move away is your husband." Fuyumi says.

"Kyoya, get used to being with Tamaki." Haruhi comments to the shadow king.

"Love your enemies." Gwen says as she pops up randomly again.

"I think that your thinking is wrong." Kyoya comments. Gwen shakes her head at the comment.

"No. It makes them so damn mad. Now tell me that my thinking is wrong." She states.

"Your thinking is wrong." Hikaru states. Gwen frowns at the comment.

"Screw you." She says simply.

"I've come to a conclusion!" Tamaki cries in happiness.

"Oh dear..." Kyoya sighs as Tamaki starts his speech about his conclusion.

"For every crazy hobo who talks to himself, there is an equally crazy hobo somewhere else answering back!"

"That... Shockingly makes sense." Haruhi states and then the twins yell.

"TONO MADE SENSE! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! RUN!"

"The chicken came first!" Honey proclaimed.

"Where did you come up with that?" Kyoya asks him.

"God would look stupid sitting on an egg." Honey explains.

"Hikaru, I think you have a gambling problem..." Kaoru says to his brother.

"I bet you I could stop gambling." Hikaru replies while Kaoru sweat-drops.

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people." Haruhi states.

"That is an insult to French people everywhere!" Tamaki says, pouting slightly.

"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent." Kyoya said.

"OH MY GOD!" Hikaru exclaims.

"KYOYA MADE A JOKE!" Kaoru exclaims just as loud as his brother.

"Kyoya, are you gay?" Kaoru asks as he calms down.

"Fuck you." Kyoya said as he glanced at the younger twin.

"That is a yes." Kaoru stated.

"I swear to God, if idiots could fly this place would be an airport..." Haruhi says with a sigh.

"I feel insulted..." Kyoya says with a glance at her.

"An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault." Kaoru states.

"Then is Kyo-chan an expert?" Honey asks.

"Yes!" Tamaki exclaims. "We are both experts!"

"I wouldn't call you an expert..." Hikaru says.

"So, Kyoya, did you have fun last night?" Tamaki asked and he winked at the shadow king.

"I have no idea what you're talking about..." Said shadow king replies.

"Don't play stupid with me – I'm better at it." Tamaki says.

"I think that we all can agree with that." Kaoru comments.

"I know the best way to learn about sex." Hikaru said.

"How?" Haruhi decided to humor him.

"Watch porn." He stated simply.

"Who told you that!" Haruhi said in shock.

"Sadly our father because he doesn't want to talk to us about it." Kaoru sighs.

"Hurricanes are like women." Kyoya states.

"How so?" Kaoru asks.

"When they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car." He explains.

"You're DAMN right!" Renge comments and then sighs. "Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

"How do you know this?" Haruhi asks.

"I had plenty of good questions when I was with Kyoya." Renge answers.

"Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. The other 44% carry babies." Kaoru says.

"If it were up to Kyoya, I'd be part of that 44%..." Renge says with a sweat-drop while Kyoya mutters.

"...I hate you all."

"Kyoya, there is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex." Hikaru said, making the shadow king raise his eyebrow at the older twins behavior.

"... Excuse me?"

"Just make sure to draw the line at goats." Kaoru says.

"Fuck you both." Kyoya states.

"See? Was that so hard? No pun intended." Hikaru said as he laughed a little at the end.

"Kyoya, I think we should have spiced up our sex life." Renge comments.

"I added some variety to my sex life... I'm using the other hand." Kyoya answers.

"..." Renge sweat-drops and looks slightly downcast.

"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and fucking." Kaoru says and Hikaru looks at his brother in surprise.

"Kaoru, I didn't know that. How did you?"

"I have my ways." He replies.

"I think I like the "Four F's"." Hikaru said thoughtfully.

" So, Kyo-chan, are you single?" Honey asks.

"I think, so therefore I'm single." Kyoya replies. "Also it is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Hikaru asked with a frown on his face.

"Kyoya, what's your step-by-step process of getting over guilt?" Kaoru asks.

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor." Was the answer and Kaoru makes a weird face at that.

"I have something to announce to anybody out there with family members!" Gwen shouts.

"That would be everybody." Kyoya comments.

"Yes, yes it would." Gwen says.

"Then what is this big announcement?" Kaoru asks.

"What's wrong with a little incest? It's both handy and cheap." Gwen says with an innocent smile.

"..." Everybody goes into silent mode while the twins have shocked looks on their faces.

"What? Just getting revenge for Kyoya because obviously he isn't going to get it himself." Gwen hums.

" THANK YOU." Kyoya exlcaims.

"Kyoya, your drinking is starting to get a little out of control. They say that alcohol kills slowly." Renge points out.

"So what?" Kyoya replies. "Who's in a hurry?"

"You, sir need anti-depressants." Renge says flatly.

"You tried your best and failed miserably. What's the lesson?" Kaoru asks.

"What?" Haruhi asks him.

"Never try." Was Kaoru's answer.

"America is the society where pizza gets to your house sooner than the police." Haruhi says.

"Once again, thank God we live in Japan!" Kyoya comments.

"Is sex dirty?" Hikaru asks.

"Of course it is." Haruhi states.

"Only if it's done right." Hikaru smirks.

"They say that patience is a virtue, well I have been patient all my life and look where it's got me." Kyoya sighs.

"What are you trying to say?" Tamaki gasps with a weird looking shocked face.

* * *

><p><span>At the Hitachiin mansion<span>

"I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call 'a floor'...A long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck friends for I may not return alive." Hikaru says as he stares at the bedroom floor. After a few minutes of him just staring at it Kaoru decides to kick him into the floor.

* * *

><p><span>At the Ootori mansion<span>

"Gummy bears are eating me

One is red

One is blue

The yellow one just ate my shoe

Now I'm running for my life.

The blue one's got a butcher's knife." A chanting comes from one of the rooms in the mansion.

"The gummy bears got me again." Rin says as he goes up to Kyoya, making the shadow king sweat-drop.

* * *

><p><strong>In the end the day was crazy and not what they imagined. :) <strong>

**Gwen: I hope that you enjoyed the story!**

**Ana: Until next time.**

**Ana and Gwen: Please leave a review!  
><strong>


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